What do you think?
In a July Christianity Today article, Mollie Ziegler Hemingway asks this...
"Why is it that we heap scorn on "deadbeat" parents who fail to take care of underage children, but excuse adult children who don't take care of their feeble parents?"Molly goes on to suggest that one of the reasons we neglect the needs of our aging parents is...
"Maybe it has something to do with our unwillingness to confront death."Molly also offers several very helpful suggestions for overcoming this emotional stumbling block (read more...), but I believe that our difficulty in facing death is just one of the reasons we fail to look at caring for our elderly parents with a Christian worldview.
This is my hot-button (and one of my wips), and I suspect that I am going to step on toes here. Believe me when I tell you that I'm not throwing stones - I'm stepping on my toes, too, but I think it has more to do with our unwillingness to live sacrificially - not just in little moments but in all of life - in order to meet the needs of others.
I'm not naive. I know that there are, sadly, many family relationships that have been severely damaged by dysfunction and abuse that is beyond my comprehension, and the complexity of those situations is way outside of the situations I am addressing. Most of us grew up in more stable - though far from perfect - homes, and I dare say that our own comfort and selfish ambitions are more often the reasons we ignore or relinquish the care of our elderly parents to others.
I'd love to know what y'all think...
(HT - JT at Between Two Worlds)
Labels: A Home on Pollywog Creek, Family Life, Washing the Feet of the Saints
6 Comments:
This is a subject near and dear to my heart, Patricia.
My dear mother-in-law has had Alzheimer's for about 14 years. Caring for her has been so very difficult. She lived on her own for four years after my f-i-l died and we took food and her medicines to her daily. Then she lived with us for three years requiring constant care for two of those. Then we sadly had to put her in the nursing home after two "escapes", putting herself in danger and scaring the life out of us.
It is very sad for me to see so many of these precious older people neglected in the nursing home. Some of them could still live at home with a little help, and many could live with family.
I think with most women working and families being so busy these days, there just isn't a place for these precious people except the nursing homes.
I was really surprised at the number of people who would tell me, "I could never do that" while "Mom" was living with us. Of course the same has been said by many about homeschooling too.
Both require selfless sacrifice and few are willing.
Sorry for the novel but you definitely hit a hot button for me.
Is it Christians fearing death or fear of losing our parents? I was able to help my parents prepare their living wills. I shudder to think what would have happened if we hadn't. I know my parents didn't fear death and I certainly don't but none of us want to suffer.
Mother had Parkinson's Disease and until the last 7 months of her life was still able to function fairly well. Toward the end, she was in such a rigid posture that we couldn't straighten her out and she was confined to bed. She finally got to the point she couldn't chew and could barely swallow but her mind was still clear. We did hire some help for Daddy on the weekends toward the end but family did most of it. He lived 16 months after her but wasn't really incapacitated. At the end, my Dad probably weighed 300 pounds. He was a big man. I don't believe we daughters could have cared for him if he had become bedridden. I'm thankful we did not have to deal with a decision concerning his care. They were able to live in their own home.
My MIL had Alzheimer's and my FIL cared for her with some help from home health. His health failed 6 months before he died and he was confined to bed but still in his own home. Family cared for him with the help of some home care.
I realize that there are some situations where the elderly have to have more supervision that can be given by family. Modern medicine has made our life span longer but our quality of life at the end is not always good.
Okay, I've spouted off enough.
Mama Bear
Well, I do believe every family situation is different - but also, our culture is such that we lock up children and old people away from us with alarming indifference. I really think that caring for a family member at the end of life is the greatest gift you can give them.
Robin - God bless you. You were right to move your mil into a more secure and safe environment where she could be watched 24/7, and I also know that you have never failed to attend to her even after her move. I very much appreciate your comment. (((Hugs))) This is my hot button, too.
You, too, Mama Bear - you and your family have faithfully served your parents in their time of need. I know it wasn't easy, but I am sure that you would not have had it any other way. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You can "spout" all you want.
Allie - you are so right. And not only is it a gift we can give our parents, but it is a gift that we can give ourselves and our children.
Reasons are likely as many as there are people. It's been my experience that some are limited by geography, desire or health.
Today, at ten I run with the doctor to make a house call to my uncle and pick up his laundry. The visits usually take two hours. But I have to cut it short today and run to take my mil (Alzheimers) to the dentist for noon. Later I am running back to deliver his laundry and a dresser he has badly needed. Last night I spent a portion of my evening on the phone to the public health nurse regarding the uncle's care. I'm not "working" and so all gets left to me.
"She's not working, she can take care of them." I've been told that even when in the depths of serious health issues myself.
I do it because it's the right thing. And yes, I am the one who is available. Honestly, were it not for me - the individuals above and my fil and my parents before them would have and have had a much, much, much more difficult time. I can't answer for others. I just close my eyes at night and know my children are watching.
Decadent - Thank you. You said so much in this. I know all about being the one who is available and the tension that creates in my own heart. I'm sure you know what I mean. (((Hugs))) Your last sentence speaks volumes.
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