Darkness has barely given way to morning light. I'm still in bed. And I'm already exhausted.
I muster the courage to move. Stand. Every joint burns and I shuffle and limp from bed to kitchen - reaching for support along the way.
Before coffee, I head straight for the meds that promise relief. My red, swollen fingers won't cooperate and I spill an entire bottle of pills - onto the counter, across the floor, under the stove.
And for a moment I want to cry.
Standing at the edge of what feels like defeat, I give my fears a voice.
I don't think I can do this.
Extravagant gifts remain packaged on the dining room table for almost 2 days - a real camera and lenses. Gifts I don't think I deserve. Gifts I find myself nearly paralyzed to use.
What if this "real" camera proves I'm not a photographer? What if I'm disappointing God? What if I'm disappointing you?
Confidence to do anything - write, speak, photograph, learn, think, cook, love - vaporizes when fear is allowed to speak into my life.
The day's appointments and possibilities loom menacing before me and the I can'ts and what ifs multiply in a cacophonic chorus.
What if I really can't? What if I can't fulfill commitments to write or speak or care for my friends?
Established daily rhythms - the renewing of my mind disciplines - begin flowing without thought.
Charles Spurgeon. Oswald Chambers. Sarah Young. Ann Voskamp. Scotty Smith. Paul. et al...
Words of life push out the words of fear, and the dark perspective of morning pain and uncooperative fingers and overwhelming fatigue is revealed for what it is: a focus on me - poor pitiful me - and not my mighty all-powerful God and what He can and will do through me.
I can do ALL things though Him who strengthens me.
15 comments:
So much wisdom here, Patricia. I've been praying for you and this pain. Knowing that God is going to bring you peace, joy, confidence in the presence of your enemies.
I can't wait to see what you do with that new camera. You have the most important thing, a good eye, and there will be no stopping you once you figure out that new camera! I'm excited for you!
much love.
There's beauty in both your words and your photographs, Patricia.
Oh my. I can relate powerfully to this post. Ironically, on my worst days I am reminded the strongest to pray for you. (Don't fret! I still remember to pray for you on the good days too! I just empathize more on the bad ones...) This was beautiful. Our bodies are living sacrifices, and when we are weak He is strong, and His grace is always sufficient. And yes, all things- we can do all thing through Him. The joy of the Lord is our strength, sweet sister. Love you. xo
I can identify so much with this, "Confidence to do anything - write, speak, photograph, learn, think, cook, love - vaporizes when fear is allowed to speak into my life."
While mine is not caused completely from physical challenges, but more so from a constant barrage of life's trials. I have less self-confidence now than I have ever experienced in my life. For some reason I think this is exactly where God wants me to be. Completely at the end of myself. I am clinging to the promise that His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness. The problem we often have is the lack of willingness to boast in our infirmities so that His glory can shine through us. I am so thankful that you are willing to share so openly. It is a blessing!
Congratulations on the new camera! It might take a little while to feel as comfortable to you as your old camera. You have nothing to prove here, you are an amazing photographer regardless of the camera used!
Pat...you never fail to touch my heart. Through your words, I see the Lord working in your life...even though you are hurting with pain. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend who always points the way to Jesus!
Your forever friend,
Barbara
Be still and let God!
What an inspirational post....and your photography is awesome and always a blessing.
Mama Bear
How did you know exactly what my thoughts are so often,these days?I know this post is from God and I thank you for writing it.Defeat,depression and a feeling of nothingness,that's where I find myself some days.This is not where I want to be.God knew that with HIm I could handle the loss of my husband,and so I will try to move forward.Thanks for speaking to my heart.I pray that your physical pains may lessen and you will be able to enjoy the new camera and lens.
I hate that you're in pain, even though I know there is loving purpose behind it (because there is ALWAYS loving purpose behind everything He gives, even the hard gifts). May the Lord grant grace for the moments and unexpected relief, like a cool breeze in the desert.
So happy for you about the new camera! For some reason all the photos in this post are black squares right now, so I'll have to come back later to see them. I'm sure they're as breathtaking as always.
My love and prayers,
Jeanne
Push through, girl....it's almost like childbirth...you just keep pushing. Even when you want to give up. Yes, you CAN do all things through Christ. But they may not be the things you want to do...they'll be the things HE wants you to do. I figure my pain is God burning off all the dross out of my life. What's left is what's important, and there are so many lessons, GOOD lessons to be learned in the burning.
Praying for you, sweetheart, my precious friend. Love you.
Clinging to the words of our Lord is good discipline, dear Patricia. Letting them give life and quicken your mortal body is just one of the gifts He gives His children. Your photos are beautiful... all the feelings of self-pity are meant for defeat and so easy to give in to when you feel poorly. I'm so glad you let the Spirit of God rise up and be the bigger 'voice'. You WILL see the victory.
Meems
beautiful in every way. thank you!
my dear patricia,
you have a deep reservoir within.
you have The Greater One within.
you have a Savior well acquainted with every ounce of suffering you have endured.
yes ... and what shall we say to these things? just as you wrote, i pray that you constantly voice your declaration of faith. indeed. philippians 4:13. may you speak it morning, noon, and night. and even more, lift your voice in songs of praise. am thinking of the song by mercy me - "i will praise you in the storm" ...
your photos are such amazing evidence of the beauty of Pollywog Creek. you must tell me about your new and real camera. what a loving gift.
my prayers are focused and frequent for you, dear friend.
marilyn (your florida and flickr friend :))
How did I miss this post? Oh, Friday... sigh. Your day and my day... similar. I remember that book I read to my daughter... Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was one of those. But after the outpatient procedure that wasn't and the high blood pressure that was and the chest pain that was and the relief that did not come because the nitroglycerine pump was two years out of date and the swollen and red foot with gout that was my greatest concern and nine hours in the emergency room and an overnight stay in observation and final relief knowing there were no blood clots in that leg and trying to explain to an 83 year old in pain himself that his wife of almost 60 years had to stay overnight in the hospital... I tried to find a gratitude... just one... even tiny... and finally, thinking about a friend who just lost her mother.. I am grateful that I still have my mother to aggravate and exasperate and worry me to pieces. Now, if I can just get her to drink those 64 oz of water a day.
I do hope your relief is in sight...
hi Patricia,
i'm really sorry for what you've been going through. the physical pain and overwhelming fatigue is trial enough for anyone, but to also (and simultaneously) have to struggle with fears of unworthiness, is too much! for the pain and fatigue,i don't think there's anything i can do except pray, but you certainly have my prayers.
as for your many and varied fears,i hope some of my words might be helpful.
first, God's "extravagant gifts"--"real" cameras included--don't have to be deserved; they wouldn't be extravagant gifts, if they were deserved! you worry that, now that you have a "real" camera, you may disappoint God, and us. I know from having read comments on this and on one of your previous posts that I am nothing like alone in always appreciating and enjoying your photos. But leaving your readers' reactions out of it, imagine how you'd feel if you had given a camera to your daughter, and you learned that she was deeply anxious about whether she would disappoint you as a photographer. how would you feel? what would you tell her? Well then, how does your loving heavenly Father feel about your photographic anxieties? what is He telling you?
another thing you worry about is whether you'll be able to "fulfill commitments to write or speak or care for my friends". i'm not speaking from personal experience, but i would think that some of the hardest trials are those that limit our ability to express our love for others. but even if God takes away some of the ways in which you now express your love for your friends, or for those you write for or speak to,He'll never take away the love itself, and He will give you new ways to express it. So whatever else you might lose confidence in your ability to do ("write, speak, photograph, learn, think, cook..) don't lose confidence in your ability to love! I know you only through your web site (and your comments on ones we both frequent), but you come across as a very loving person. And your anxiety about not being able to express your love in ways you now can is just a sign of the depth of that love--a love that will, whatever happens, continue to bear fruit.
i'm praying for strength and relief from pain for you, but also that God's perfect love will cast out all your fears...
love,
chris
Your photos are spectular!
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